Facing the “Whys” of What You Do

April 2, 2010 · 1 comment

This is a guest post by Felipa.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. For the past year and a half I have lost 41 pounds and have kept them off. When I began this most recent attempt to get healthy it seemed as if the weight just melted off and then my progress slowed down a little, but was still there…now it’s coming off at a slow almost un-measurable rate.

I get at least 4 hours of intense cardio a week. Although, it seems that I have abandoned my weight training and the diligence I once had over my food choices.
Why? That’s a good question and while it’s easy to say, “oh I’m just too busy” or some equally un-genuine answer…I made myself really think about why. I once had a friend ask me, why I let myself get fat…yes a friend asked me that. While most of us would be quick to say…we don’t want to be this way, and it’s not our fault, or our choice the reality is unless we have a medical condition which makes us unable to control our weight somehow, we did manage to get here.

So I’m left to ponder…why am I here, why did I chose this, why didn’t I prevent this, how would I benefit from letting myself get here? That’s a lot of whys for someone who on the surface is carefree to the point of immaturity.

But I sit here forcing my self to face them.

While most high school girls are self-conscious about their bodies and try to look like the skinny ‘in crowd’ I did not. My freshman year, I had several meetings with detectives from our local police department in my principals office and sat waiting in the hallways of the court house while the detectives testified on my behalf. I was a size 14.

My sophomore year left me with a lot of emotions to deal with, along with finding a place to live, going to school and maintaining a job. I was between a size 14-16. My junior year…was odd, I went to live back home. Size 14 no longer fit. My senior year, was very similar to the last.

In my adult life, I topped out at a size 20.

Looking back, I think maybe I subconsciously felt that being fat would protect me. For that to make sense I need to share this with you: I was molested, for the first time at the age of 6 and it continued until I moved out. So I think by not looking as good as others I thought maybe I wouldn’t be appealing, as you can see, that didn’t work. At the age of 14 someone else attempted to rape me, to this the counselors said, it must be something I was doing.

So I kept eating. Apparently trying to prevent this from happening again.

While counseling got me nowhere, eating was comforting and as best as I can remember there were no instances of sexual abuse my junior and senior year. While the actions that got me to this place were not my fault I am fulling responsible for how I responded to them.

I’m hoping now that I’ve been able to admit to myself that my actions are what got me here I’ll be able to speed up the reversal process.

With sharing all that I have, I would hope I would stir something up in others to face their own “Whys”.

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{ 1 comment }

Greg April 2, 2010 at 10:30 am

All I can say is “Wow.”. It’s so true that we are the product of our experiences. Both positive and negative, they shape and mold us into who we are.

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